I stood.
“Come with me.”
He didn’t respond.
“Rachel, where?”
“Our bedroom.”
He followed.
***
When I’d come home from Tarryn’s, I hadn’t gone back to bed. I’d started noticing what was missing.
His travel bag wasn’t in the closet.
His spare charger was gone.
“Rachel, where?”
And when I opened his side of the wardrobe, several of his shirts were missing too.
***
Now, with Ben standing in front of me and admitting he’d known for three weeks, I wanted to see whether he’d give me one.
I turned toward him.
“You weren’t just scared. You were preparing to leave.”
I turned toward him.
“I took a few things to Mom’s.”
“Without telling me.”
“I didn’t know what else to do.”
“You could’ve come home and told me the truth.”
His voice dropped.
“What if the truth costs you the life you’ve wanted?”
“I took a few things to Mom’s.”
My anger stalled.
“What are you afraid I’ll do?”
Ben looked at me then.
“Stay.”
I stared at him.
“What are you afraid I’ll do?”
He swallowed.
“You’ll stay because you love me. Then years from now, if we still don’t have a child, you’ll wonder what would’ve happened if you’d chosen differently.”
“Maybe I’ll wonder, Ben,” I said honestly.
His face fell.
“Maybe I’ll grieve. Maybe you will too. That’s what happens when people don’t get certainty.”
“Maybe I’ll wonder, Ben.”
“Rachel…”
“But you don’t get to punish me now for feelings I might have years from now.”
“I wasn’t trying to punish you.”
“You were removing me from the decision.”
He sat on the edge of the bed.
“I didn’t want you trapped.”
“I wasn’t trying to punish you.”
I grabbed my purse.
His head lifted.
“Where are you going?”
“To speak to your mother.”
“Why?”
“Because I need to know how long everybody has been carrying my future around without me.”
“Where are you going?”
***
Tarryn opened the door before I knocked twice.
“You knew,” I said.
Her shoulders dropped.
“Yes.”
“How long?”
“A little over two weeks.”
“How long?”
“And you didn’t tell me.”
“I told Ben every day that he had to.”
“But you still let him stay here.”
“He came here terrified.”
“I’m his wife.”
“He came here terrified.”
“I know. But Rachel, I’m his mother.”
“Then I should’ve been in the room, too.”
Tarryn went quiet.
From the kitchen, Marcia looked over from the stove.
“Tea?”
“No.”
“I know. But Rachel, I’m his mother.”
I sat down.
A second later, I sighed.
“Actually, yes.”
Marcia poured the cup and set it in front of me without comment.
For the first time that morning, nobody tried to decide what I needed before I said it.
I looked at Marcia.
“Actually, yes.”
“Did you know too?”
“I’d heard enough to put the pieces together, hon.”
“And you didn’t say anything.”
“No.”
“Why?”
She wrapped both hands around her mug.
“Did you know too?”
“Because it wasn’t my truth to deliver.”
I stared into my tea.
“Apparently everybody knew what was happening except me.”
Marcia gave me a small look.
“Sounds crowded.”
I laughed despite myself. Then I covered my face.
Marcia gave me a small look.
When I lowered my hands, Marcia was watching me over the rim of her mug.
“I don’t know what the right answer is for you and Ben,” she said.
“That makes two of us.”
Tarryn shifted in her chair, but Marcia kept her eyes on me.
“You want my opinion?”
I nodded.
“You want my opinion?”
“Then stop asking whether Ben can give you children for one moment.”
I frowned.
“What am I supposed to ask?”
“Whether he wants a life with you if children aren’t part of it.”
The room went still.
“What am I supposed to ask?”
Marcia set her mug down.
“And you need to answer the same question for yourself.”
She softened. “Wanting a child matters. So does loving your husband. But Ben can’t keep living like you’re already halfway out the door.”
I stared at her.
“Wanting a child matters. So does loving your husband.”
“And neither can you,” she added.
Tarryn looked down.
I took out my phone.
Not to call Ben.
Not yet.
I opened a blank note.
What did the results actually mean?
What testing came next?
What options did we have?
“And neither can you.”
Then I wrote the question Ben had been too afraid to ask me.
Do I want Ben if our future looks different from the one I planned?
The answer came faster than I expected.
Yes, but not like this.
I called him.
“Can you meet me at home?”
Yes, but not like this.
“Yes.”
“I want the truth. All of it.”
“You’ll have it.”
***
That evening, we sat across from each other at the kitchen table.
Ben set the folder he’d been carrying back and forth to Tarryn’s on the table.
“These are the results they gave me,” he said.
“I want the truth. All of it.”
I pulled it toward us.
“Then we read them together.”
Przejrzeliśmy wszystkie strony obok siebie: żadnych gwarancji, żadnego ostatecznego werdyktu, więcej testów, więcej pytań.
Kiedy skończyliśmy, Ben wyglądał na wyczerpanego.
„Co się stanie, jeśli to nie zadziała?” zapytał.
Przyciągnąłem go do nas.
“Nie wiem.”
Odwrócił wzrok.
Sięgnąłem przez stół i obróciłem papiery w swoją stronę.
„Ale wiem, co się dzisiaj wydarzy”.
Jego oczy spotkały się z moimi.
“Nie wiem.”
„Kocham cię, Benie. Ale za bardzo szanuję siebie, żeby pozostać w związku małżeńskim z kimś, kto za każdym razem, gdy życie go przeraża, planuje odejście”.
Jego twarz się napięła.
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